Queer Eye For the Resident Evil Guy
by Wesker Chick
Summary: Based on the show Queer eye for the Stragiht Guy. RE characters need a makover and we have just the team for the job. (A Wesker Chick CassSpaz Production[Chapter 4 is up]
1. Meet the Team

DISCLAIMER: Don't own RE or Queer Eye For the Straight Guy or Leonardo DeCaprio or Tom Cruise.

A/N: This fic is brought to you by myself and CassSpaz. We truly hope you enjoy and give us lots and lots of Reviews. And without further ado we preset you with the show!!

The lights come up, and we see Steve Burnside, dressed in pink daisy dukes, matching midriff, and matching high heel pumps. Billy Coen stands just behind him, in purple dress slacks, brown sandals, and a violet colored tank top with matching purse. Alfred Ashford stands next to him, in a flowered sundress, and sandals, and matching scarf around his neck. Morpheus, stands next to Alfred, checking his lipstick in a handy compact, while straightening his rose colored blouse, and matching mini skirt. Billy sighs heavily, while fanning himself with one well manicured hand.

"Alright, now this poor guy really needs our help." Steve lisps, nodding his head lightly. The red highlights of his Leonardo DeCaprio haircut glistening in the light.

"Ok, just how bad is it, cause I have an bikini wax later." Morpheus lisps, twiddling with a strand of his white hair.

"Now Morphie, that's no way to be. We here to help all the less fortunate." Alfred adjusts his scarf, sighing. "These shoes don't match my outfit."

"I told you to get the cream colored pumps, but no, you had to have the sandals." Billy shakes is head, then combs his bleach blonde hair back into place with his fingers. "Who is this guy anyway?"

"Albert Wesker"

At Albert Wesker's Apartment

Wesker reclined in his chair, sipping the fine wine casually. It had been a rough day, doing missions for HCF and trying to hunt down that damned Redfield, and he was content in being able to rest.

Suddenly, the door burst open. Wesker leapt to his feet. But even his virally enhanced powers could not stand up to the sheer puffitude which entered the room. 

"Oh, gosh." Sighed Billy Coen, making a gesture with his hand. It flopped limply. "Wine is so passé! Everyone knows that big boys take vodka and Red Bull."

"Dear … God!" Wesker said in a flat monotone.

"You need a lot of work, dah-ling." Morpheus told the blond man on the floor. "But –" and he gave a sigh "That's ok. That's the job of –" he paused and all four puffs spoke in unison.

****

"QUEER EYE FOR THE RESIDENT EVIL GUY!"

Wesker finally gained some measure of composure and stood up, brushing a bit of dirt from his black shirt.

"Listen you puffs, I am perfectly capable of dressing myself."

"I don't think so dearie. I black is so last season, and what's with the hair? I mean really the slicked back look is sooooo wrong for you." Alfred said, circling Wesker like a hungry shark. "Highlights, that's the ticket!"

"And the sunglasses, please.", Steve, waved his hand limply. "Why hide your best feature, I mean really?"

"Look, if you don't leave now…" Wesker growled, taking a step toward Billy. Alfred and Billy grabbed him by the forearms, and that was the end of the fight. Wesker was overpowered by the sheer puffness of Billy and is mighty girlfriends.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Albert Wesker was afraid. He had fought off zombies, Hunters, and overly dramatic heroes that had disgustingly stoic personalities.

But he had never met anything so horrifying as four full blown homosexuals dressed in women's clothing wanting to give him a makeover.

"No." he said in his cold, emotionless voice. "If I am made over, how will I kill Redfield?"

"Mm, Redfield." Giggled Alfred. "I'd play with his rifle any day."

"Bitch!" gasped Morpheus. "Stay back! He's mine, you whore!"

"Oh, no you didn't – no you didn't."

"I think he did!" piped up Steve Burnside

A slap fight ensues. Wesker stared in shock, but figured this might a good chance to run, as the only limp wrist still holding him was Billy's.

"Um…look… TOM CRUISE!!"

"WHERE?!" Billy screamed, looking around wildly. Wesker snickered with evil delight, and turned back toward his apartment.

"Oh no you don't sweetie." Steve lisped, throwing his arms around Wesker. "My sweet little Albie, you can't leave yet." 

"That was very naughty Albie." Billy waggled a well manicured finger in his face. "saying you saw Tom Cruise. And you two, stop that this instant. You're wallowing around like a couple of street walkers."

Alfred and Morpheus quickly compose themselves, and check their makeup. Wesker is still locked tightly in Steve's embrace. His will to live is quickly fading. 

"Now Albie, on to the hair salon!" Alfred shouts joyfully. 


	2. The Stylist

DISCLAIMER: Don't own RE or Queer Eye.

A/N: CassSpaz and I apologize for taking so long with this installment. We've been busy. But you can give us incentive to write with many more of those lovely reviews!!

* * *

* * *

And so the mighty Wesker feared by so many in the Umbrella organization and sworn enemy of Chris Redfield is marched down the street by four blatant homosexuals. As was stated before, his will to live is quickly fading. The party of five, stop before a rather elegant and expensive looking hair salon.

"You don't want to do this." Wesker said, trying to work up as much menace as is humanly possible.

"Now Albie." Steve crooned, twirling a piece of Wesker's hair between his fingers. "We're professionals, you can trust us."

Wesker shuddered in pure fear. Steve took that to mean he was excited.

"Alright, girls!" chirped Morpheus. "Let's do a streaking party!"

Alfred giggled. "What a clever double meaning!" he cooed. "But before we have some fun, we have to clean up Wesker's style!"

"Like, theriously." Steve said. "This is gonna be tho funny!"

"Why are you talking with a lisp?"

"'Cause, lithps are thuper!"

Wesker groaned as the four "ladies" escorted him into the saloon, Steve was still twiddling with his hair. He almost passed out when Carlos came skipping down the stairs in tight black leather pants, and a magenta suede vest.

"Oh Morphie!!" Carlos screeched throwing his arms around Morpheus.

"Dahling." Morpheus crooned, kissing Carlos cheek.

"Oh…my…GOD!!"

Everyone turned to stare at Wesker as he melted into a puddle.

"Oh dear! My poor little Albie!!" Steve quickly retrieved a mop.

"Carlos, love, we need your help." Billy said, gesturing to the puddle.

"No problems my little Sparrows. Carlos is here!"

Wesker awoke 20 minutes later, tied to a chair a surrounded by puffs.

"Oh…no it wasn't a dream."

"Poor little Albie." Steve moaned, petting Wesker. Let's just repeat that to make sure you heard right. _Petting_, Wesker. At this point Wesker almost broke down crying.

"Now, let's see." Carlos circled Wesker, looking at him this way and that. "Should we do total color change, or just highlights?"

"OH! Red!" Alfred cried, jumping up and down. "Yes, red highlights with a beautiful shade of auburn coloring."

"Oh yes, and a small trim." Billy interjected. "That whole slicked back look just doesn't fit well."

"Alright then." Carlos grabbed a pair of scissors and a bottle of dye.

"Some one kill me." But no one was listening to Wesker.

30 minutes later…

Wesker stared at his reflection and couldn't decide weather to break into tears, or wreak justifiable mayhem on the persons responsible. His once blonde hair was now a deep shade of Auburn with long streaks of blood red highlights. Instead of slicked back the hair had been trimmed short, to above his ears, and styled into that wind blown look that was so poplar now a days.

"Oh Albie." Steve brushed one manicured finger through his hair. "You look good enough to eat!"

"Yes indeed a big improvement." Morpheus agreed nodding his head.

"Now, on to the clothing department!" Alfred yelled, dragging Wesker out of the chair. Steve skipped along behind, admiring Wesker's rather shapely bottom. Billy swished along with Morpheus, as Carlos waved from the doorway of the saloon.


	3. Dress for Success

DISCLAIMER: Don't own RE, Queer Eye, or GAP.

A/N: And thus CassSpaz and I continue the torture…

* * *

"Alright girls, pink is like, totally the new black!" Morpheus examined a pink shirt at arm's length.

Steve giggled in approval. Wesker felt incredibly sick. He wondered if he could find a Tyrant to release upon these fools. Of course, last time that happened, it hadn't worked out too well for him.

Morpheus strode over to the rack of clothes.

"You know," Alfred confided to Wesker. "There's a _reason_ why we chose to shop at the Gap."

Wesker considered snapping his neck.

"'Cause we're **G**ay **A**nd **P**roud!, right girls?!"

"Ssssh!" Morpheus hissed. "I'm trying to find something with glitter!"

"Ohh!!! Billy!!! Ohh!!!" Steve appeared to be having a severe nervous breakdown over a pair of black dress pants he'd dug out of the 50% off bin. "OHH!!! These are simply perrrrfect!!"

Morpheus, Billy and Alfred all ran over, in a rather swishy manner, and proceeded to giggle like school girls over Steve's find. Wesker might have attempted escape at this point, but he was currently handcuffed to Steve. Not by choice mind you.

"I just had a wonderful thought!" Alfred screeched, shattering several windows. "The vampire look."

"Oh darling, I don't know." Morpheus pondered. "That look is so…well there is a lot of black in it."

"Black is good." Wesker mumbled. But as usual, was totally ignored.

"No sweetie." Alfred screeched again, shattering one poor elderly lady's pacemaker. "I mean with reds. The whole frilly shirt and all."

"Oh with Albie's build, that would be perrrrfect."

Wesker cringed as Steve ran a finger down his arm, giggling to himself. Meanwhile the old lady toppled to the floor, clutching her heart and gasping for help. Chris Redfield conveniently swung in through a rope, helped the old lady up, then darted off to the hospital with her.

Wesker wondered if this was some sort of cruel joke that karma was playing on him. Maybe he _shouldn't have _killed all those people. Or maybe he should kill these idiots. That seemed like a good idea. It was growing more attractive by the second.

"Alright, Albert!" Steve crowed joyously. "It's time to dress you!"

"I should have killed your girlfriend Redfield when I had the chance." he snarled.

"Girls?!" all five of the Queer Eye Guys exclaimed, looking as though they were about to faint.

"Ewww… girls have cooties." Steve looked ready to throw up. "Claire was just icky."

Wesker was good at down right evil expressions, but utterly confused looks were new to him. So basically he looked like the biggest idiot in the world right now. And his confused state is probably what ultimately lead to him being dragged into the changing room by Steve and Billy.

Morpheus and Alfred quickly handed clothing over the partition, as Wesker's old garments were thrown into the air, to land wherever they happened to fall.

"Hey! Get the hell away from me!!" Wesker screamed, his fist waving around wildly.

"Ah but Albie, you'll look simply gorgeous!" Steve crooned, trying to shove an frilly 18th century shirt over his head.

"Alfred!" Billy yelled, trying to get Wesker to put on a pair of pants. "We need plan B!"

Alfred squealed, killing several dogs in the area, and slid under the partition. Seconds later, Wesker was in a semi-comatose state.

"I still don't know why I couldn't do it." Steve pouted, buttoning up the blood red vest.

"Steve, sweetie, your kisses just don't have the same paralyzing effect as Alfred's do." Billy patted him gently on the shoulder and finished putting Wesker into a pair of black boots.

* * *

A/N: What have these strange men done to poor Wesker? Find out in the next installment! 


	4. The End Result

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in the following pages that belong to someone else. That about covers that…

A/N: Due to some unavoidable circumstances CassSpaz and I have not been able to get together to continue writing this particular fic. Seeing as how it appears to be quite popular I will try to continue it on my own. Be warned though updates for this fic will come sporadically and will more than likely be shorter chapters than I normally run. I hope you enjoy…

* * *

The four fluffs looked over their newest creation, giggling slightly, and nodding their approval. Wesker, for his part, was just waking up from the _Kiss of Death_ delivered to him by Alfred two hours ago.

"Oh God…" Wesker squinted a bit looking over the assembled fluffs. "Am I in hell?"

"No silly." Steve giggled, waving a hand toward him. "You're still in the Gap. Now get up and take a look!"

Wesker stumbled to his feet and turned to face the full length mirror by the dressing room door. Their was an audible _clunk_ as his jaw hit the carpeted floor. Gone was his usual black, and certainly more comfortable, combat uniform. The four Queens had replaced it with skintight black pants, knee high leather boots, a frilly eighteenth century shirt, and a silk blood red vest.

"Weeeeeellllll?" Morpheus singsonged. "What do you think?"

Wesker continued to stare, somehow trying to wrap his mind around what the four blatant homosexuals had done to him…it wasn't working out very well. A small giggle escaped his lips, which was quickly followed by a nervous twitch around his right eye. The giggling increased and a few seconds later poor little Wesker began making little wounded animal sounds.

"Oooooo…I think he likes it!" Billy exclaimed, scary several other store patrons. "He looks so cute too."

Suddenly Wesker took off like a rabbit on crack. He pushed past the four startled fluffs and made a break for the front doors.

"I'LL NEVER KILL ANYONE AGAIN…JUST GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

Wesker then proceeded to run over five other Gap customers, knock over three racks of designer shirts, and make a rather large hole in the wall upon exiting the store. He must have missed the doors. He was last seen running past the food court, waving his arms wildly, and proclaiming to everyone within a thirty mile radius that he'd never even think about doing anything remotely evil again…

Back in the store Steve had broken down into heart wrenching sobs, while Morpheus comforted him.

"There, there Steve I'm sure you'll find someone even cuter than Albie."

"Sooo, now that Wesker's makeover is complete, though he did run off before we could redecorate his aprtment."Alfred sighed heavily, while checking his makeup in a handy compact. "Who's next on the list?"

"Ummm, let's see here." Billy whipped out a bright pink clipboard with little hearts drawn on it. "Oh! Why it's Chris Redfield!"

* * *

A/N: Uh…oh, looks like Chris is in trouble now…


End file.
